Welcome to that gay shit. This is my first blog post. A container to capture what I feel must be done - and what must be undone. The challenge to myself to exhume and exhibit that which might otherwise be left fossilized, lost and buried amongst the dirt. A call I am answering from writers I have loved and envied. The charge of queerness to not accept the world as it is, for this world is not enough.
I am not sure what this will be just yet - how frequently I want to post, what stories I want to tell, and what format(s) will work best. But I figure I’ll work that out along the way. Ultimately I want to produce things that satisfy my needs over anyone else’s - so thank you for reading and I hope that some of whatever this gay shit becomes speaks to you. But we can make a deal right now to have no expectations. Cool? Cool.
A new moon arrives in your sign this evening, Capricorn, marking a powerful time for you to sit with your truth. A fresh start is here: What will you do with it? Who do you want to be by your birthday next year?
I am not one for resolutions, usually. The whole idea of them makes me vaguely uncomfortable - their performative nature, the way a nugget of positive goal setting gets spun into capitalistic pursuits of unobtainable standards through things like gym memberships...it’s a layer of artifice that seems to obscure the whole point which, to me, is about setting an intention and commitment for next revolution of this flying hunk of junk we call home around the flaming ball of spite that gives us life.
Removing artifice and superficiality from my life has been my personal mission over the last two years. It’s one of those things that happens, I think, when a relationship ends. The immediate aftermath is a torrent of unanswerable questions, questions that must be spoken into the ether while knowing that nothing will return. (Was it really love? Where do we go wrong? Why would he hurt me? The list is unending). Though I have let go, with time, the desire to answer these questions (armed with the knowledge that any answers that appear would not change what has happened) I have tried to use this moment to reflect more on what’s real and “enough” for me. So at first, the idea of resolutions felt silly and empty - a statement I could make to the world but then immediately forgotten or ignored.
Resolutions have also always felt difficult given that my birthday lies so close to the new year - but specifically after the new year as already appeared. How can you set goals for the next year of your life when in some ways it feels like it won’t start for two more weeks? (#CapProblems). So here I am, two weeks into January and unsure of how to answer the question at the top of this post - the daily horoscope for my birthday, courtesy of Vice Broadly. I am not sure of who I want to be by next year other than knowing I want to be more.
I recently listened to the special new year’s edition of the Safe Word Society podcast, where one of the guests shared a different approach for resolutions. Rather than a formal “goal” or specific plan of action, she set 3 words of intention for the year. I found this to be immediately compelling. It’s also my Saturn Return - and while astrology wasn’t something I thought much about until recently (though I’m not alone in that), I find it so valuable for providing a language to understand what has occurred and how I might find pathways forward. The last three years have been tumultuous (don’t look at me during retrograde tbh) - but now I feel like I’ve emerged on the other side of some very tough, very needed introspection (which I’ll probably write about in more depth at some point). Now is the time to reap the rewards of that work - that’s what my words of intention are about:
- Create: As I said, I’ve taken a lot in over the last few years - through therapy, through coursework, friends, my career…now feels like the time to translate that into work, to commit to the act of production. That’s why this blog even exists! But beyond that, finding ways to connect with my artistic desires and other avenues for sharing what I’ve gathered.
- Congruence: More than just playing a balancing game with the many aspects of my life and identity, I want them to feel congruent; the pieces should fit together, even as some pieces enter and depart depending on the season or the planets or what’s on Netflix. At any given time I am a student, a climber, a writer, a manager, a femme, a musician. I want to honor this multiplicity and find the ways to constantly be completing the puzzle.
- Connectivity: Another “more than” - more than just my connections to the people and things around me, I seek to constantly be making connections between my past, present and future. I’ve started to unearth the ways in which my own story can be thought of as an archeological dig - many layers to uncover, and a level of care and softness so as not to disturb what lies beneath until you are ready to.
Maybe these will change in March, or July, or even December. Maybe I’ll wake up next week and kick myself for wanting to do only “C” words because honestly what’s so special about the letter C...but hopefully these will serve their purpose as being a reminder of my resolve as I embark on this next orbital revolution. Cheers to 2018, to 27, to Saturn, and to me.